I felt compelled to right this tidbit on motherhood, grief, and quarantine after sending quite the novel text message to Ryan last week… it read: “I feel like I am failing at motherhood because of this damn pandemic. I miss my quiet time. I miss being alone in the house. I miss being able to take a 20 minute nap without having to break up an argument or scream at our kids for misbehaving. I miss silence. Pure silence. I miss being able to take a phone call without having to wipe some ones butt (true story) and I miss being able to sit down to write a blog post completely uninterrupted. And I feel so guilty for all of it”
One of my favorite bloggers recently touched on collective grief and it really struck a cord with me and got me thinking. Lately, I’ve been feeling a lot of grief. I’ve spent the past 16 months processing grief so I recognized the feeling right away but I couldn’t put a finger on what exactly I was grieving until I sent that lengthy text.
Yep. I was grieving my alone time and it took me writing it out to recognize it. It’s not that I don’t love my kids, I do, fiercely, but I also love and thrive off of my alone time. So because this is a safe space and I know I’m not alone, I want to share with you my struggles and the things that I grapple with all day. Did this text lead me to mom guilt? Absolutely. Did I cry after sending it? 1000% . Did I pull myself together, shake it off, and go wipe butts? You bet!
All of this to say, yes, I love my children, but this season is hard. It’s hard for the working mom or the stay at home mom. It’s hard. And that’s OKAY to recognize the hard parts alongside the good. It’s okay to acknowledge it. Feel it. I saw a quote the other day that resonated so loud with my heart.
“If you feel like you’re losing everything, remember that trees lose their leaves every year and they still stand tall and wait for better days to come” – unknown
So for now, I’ll wait for better days to come and I’ll embrace my feelings, both the hard and the happy throughout this season that we’re in.
-Brandi
